This post is a tough one for me to write because I’m really exposing myself. I’m giving people a glimpse into things that only my family and close friends know much about. Maybe it’s because I’m anonymous here that I’m even posting this but none the less I’m going to tell you about something deeply personal.

I’ve met many in healthcare who have a special sympathy toward certain types of patients. For me it’s patients who are suffering with anxiety issues and depression. In EMS we often deal with these patients and it’s very easy to write them off as being dramatic and full of crap, just putting on a show for attention. While that is often the case, I can tell you from personal experience that dramatics isn’t always the case. In fact it’s often the very opposite. It’s real. Very real.

Here’s my story.

In my old career – I call it my “past life” – I enjoyed some success. I loved my job. I loved where I was working and I loved the people I worked with. I truly worked with people I considered friends, people who I had no problems hanging out with outside of work. I wish I knew the exact trigger of what caused this but one day as I was eating a salad from Quizno’s in our break room, I had my first ever panic attack. I couldn’t tell you what I was even thinking about but I can sure remember what the panic attack was like. I was scared to death. I thought I was having a heart attack and in general I started freaking out. Eventually I calmed down and realized that I was not having a MI but this panic attack felt like it lasted forever.

The fact that I had a panic attack scared me to death.

Over the coming weeks the attacks became more and more frequent. I became depressed because I didn’t know how to stop it. I got to the point where I couldn’t stand to be at work and especially in my office. I literally would run out of the room at various times. I took a few days off but that didn’t help. The attacks didn’t stop and even got worse. I could barely function. Seeing no other alternative, I chose to walk away from my career. I loved what I did but I started to realize that it was time to go. Stress that I hadn’t dealt with had caught up with me and this was how my body reacted. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize that.

While I was under the care of a great group of mental health professionals, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression. I spent about a year on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. Finally I came out of it, got weened off of the meds and decided to pursue something I had wanted to do for a long time: Becoming a paramedic.

While being a paramedic is certainly stressful, I get much more satisfaction out of it. One of the great things about going through counseling is that I learned how to better deal with stress. Sure, I still have my moments but I know how to handle it much better now. I’m thankful to God that I have a cool head while on calls and am able to keep anxiety at bay much better than I was able to years ago in my “past life.” I’m also thankful that I know how my patients with anxiety issues feel because I’m better able to relate to them and can usually help them calm down.

I encourage you to think next time you’re called out for an anxiety issue. While often these call are utter BS, often these patients have real issues that they need help with. Sometimes all they need is some words of encouragement to seek help. Sometimes they’re having a rough day and just can’t cope. These people are patients, just as much as any other, and they need treatment.

Please know how tough it’s been for me to write this – I’ve been bouncing this around in my head for some time now and finally decided to write it. It’s not easy for me to admit that I’ve had this battle in my life because, well, I’m afraid of being judged as weak or that I may not be a fit paramedic. Even if it happens, I do the best I can and I’ve been able to help many patients. Everything that happens to use helps to shape the person we’re ever becoming. This has certainly shaped me in many ways.

In my opinion, I’m turning out just fine.